One More Chance

Yesterday, It was a sunday, my con-engineers and I watched this movie of John Lloyd Cruz and Bea Alonzo entitled "One More Chance". It was four of us, all male, and it was our first time to watch that movie. The DVD was brought by Macmac when he went to manila upon the request of Henry. Macmac was the only one who have seen the movie. He's not around that day because it was his turn to go to the Construction Site (It is required that at least one engineer should be present on site during sundays if there is an operation) but still we decided to watch the moviesince he has already seen it. We had no DVD Player that day so we just have to use my laptop (notebook) to play the DVD. The volume of the DVD is not that good, and since it was just a laptop, it is hard hear the dialogues. So we watch and listen closely and as much as possible, in silence.

I think that it is really unusual for four guys to watch romantic (especially Tagalog) movies. We are making sounds like yeeehhhh!!! uuuuuuyyyy!!! when the scene is kind of mushy. We also mimic how they cry when the scene is sad and we laugh at ourselves because we're doing all those crazy stuffs.

When the scene becomes really serious, we are really silent, trying to listen to all the lines that the actors are saying. Reflecting on every words they say and maybe relating it to our own experiences.

I was doing that. Reflecting. Trying to put myself in the situation of Popoy (the lead male character). Yes. We are not the same in anyways but I think that I am in a situation they're at.

Yes. I just had a breakup with my girlfriend. I am not really sure about it being a breakup. We haven't talked for a week now. today is exactly one week since we've last talk. I am not going to go on the details on how and why it happened, it just happened.

There was a scene there, the last part of the movie, when they realized that they still both love each other. However, they did not went back for each other. Popoy had to leave to work abroad. He says that he needs it to forget the pain he suffered and return to his old self. His old self, when he first love Basha (her girlfriend). When he knew nothing but lving Basha. No hatred, no pain.

I think I am in that state of mind as he is. Ever since I was assigned here in boracay, my girlfriend and I experienced countless fightings over very simple things. Very petty issues. That is never resolved. Even the simplest issues remains unresolved. What happens is that we just make peace (for a while), not really solving the issues just forgetting that it happened. I think that we are just making peace because we just cant stand not being with each other. Thinking that it is right and that it is hard if we are not in good terms with each other especially now that we're far apart.

Whenever we had a fight, I always say that it will never be solved, and we should just accept the fact that maybe we are not good for each other. That maybe it is better for us to break-up. However, I am not that kind of person who would ask for a break-up. i dont believe in it as a solution. It is my principle that when something's not right with the relationship, the two of you should solve it together. But for some unknown reason, I keep on saying that every time we had a fight. She never liked the idea, and so eventhough she was the one who is very much angry at me for whatever I did, she will also be the first to reconcile. But I think that what we are doing is just temporarily stop the fight. She is not really forgiving me and I am not changing for better.

I still repeat what i did wrong and she will be mad. I will ask for a break-up but she doesn't want. She will make the first move to reconcile but in truth she never forgive nor forget. We will be ok for some time until another very simple issue or conflict arise and the vicious cycle continues.

It has been like this for quite some time now. And in our last fight,I asked again for a break-up. This time I told her that I really mean it and that I will really do it no matter what. I dont know actually what I am doing at that time and why I said that. But I know that it is really what I feel and I think that what I feel is right.

It has been a week now since we have last talked to each other. This is the longest that we have not talked since our first breakup in 2005.

She just emailed me twice. One is an explanation about the incident that caused our fight. Another is a forwarded story. I, on the other hand, haven't done any move. Not because I dont want to make peace and resolve the problem but because I think that I really need some space. Maybe I need to become an astronaut for a while.

Just like in the movie, I believe that what I really need is time and space for me to realize how I really love her. What I really feel for her. The same feeling when I first told her that I love her. The same feeling when I was still close to her (when I was in Manila I mean) and when I am very sweet to her. How I want to treat her like a princess. How I dont want to hurt her. Those things are lost and I need that time to recover most if not all of those that was lost.

How long? I dont know. I really dont. And it is scary for me. I am scared that maybe when I finally got everything that was lost, she would no longer accept me, that she has lost her feelings for me. I dont know.

I want to ask her to wait for me. But I dont want to be unfair. I want her to be free. At least for the time that I was gone. It could be months or maybe years and I am not sure if those feelings are really going to come back. I know I still love her. But I think love alone is not enough.

Maybe when time here in Boracay is up. When finally Our project here is over. When finally Ill be back home. Maybe that is the time for me to be back to her (if she still wants me).

I hope it comes soon.